It’s not like this feeling is new, it’s not much different but the familiar sting has settled in. It tugs on me like a riptide constantly trying to drag me further away each time I let my guard down.
There are moments that I feel my feet firmly planted, the pulling stops and I make my way towards the shore. But it never lasts it is like time stops in an instant and I slip again I’m going under.
Yelling for help as the salty water fills my lungs my breath stolen instantly… my eyes blurry the shore no longer in sight …. but I struggle weak and exhausted from the last bout… My friends and family swear they only looked away for a second.
They can’t understand the hold this all has on me, why can’t I just deal like everyone else we all have problems everyone’s lives suck “just stop being such a drama queen, stop your excuses, get a hold of yourself grow the fuck up ! “
whispering She just in one of her “moods”, I’m sure she’s just hungry !? Will taking you out to eat Eiren make you feel better, or I can make you something hunny? What will pacify you with so you will be easier to deal with today?
“You know I miss when you were happier always making us laugh!…” But when you are mentally ill you have to become an actress…So the award for not showing who you really are or how you truly feel goes too…. Eiren 38 years in a row! rounds of applause, standing ovations, curtain calls.. don’t worry the show is on again tomorrow too…
Okay give in take medicine…. Eiren just try it … fix it… become comfortably numb. Oh well that’s not working try this one, in the meantime what else can we do to help pacify you? Oh I know FOOD -candy, cake, ooo or cupcakes, chocolates, Starbucks, or hey let’s go out to eat!
Still drowning … but with a big ole smile on my face and a smear of chocolate on the same sleeve I used to dry my tears.
You are just lazy get a hobby, I have hundreds…. I haven’t the energy to even enjoy them. Better yet workout that always makes you happy, ignore the damage and keep pushing… get some injections to fix that or to numb this, let them burn some nerves or try this pill, maybe drink this until you feel NOTHING…
While still being dragged but it’s less noticeable, the tears swell and I swallow them down with more meds and a bit more food.
Be stronger he’s only leaving for, little while you’ve got this! You are just making it harder on him you know! But how much stronger do I need to be, I’ve survived so much already?
I’ve been bullied since I can remember, especially in school as I was taller than everyone in my class including the boys. I was also much heavier than everyone else so of course I stood out. If that’s not enough I started acting out constantly because I would rather be sent home then to deal with what was going on there. Also I’d like to point out my teachers completely ignored me being bullied.
As back in those days it just gave you tougher skin right of passage not a big deal! So I had kids put gum in my hair, they would hit me they often tripped me, I also can’t tell you all the times I’ve been spit on. Let’s just say that being called fat was one of the kindest things my schoolmates called me. Also I learned to be seen not heard because back then you were still allowed to be paddled and I was often… Enough sometimes I’d have bruises but that’s not something you’d speak about and sadly my parents were far too busy to care anyways.
Let’s not talk about school anymore those days are long gone let’s just say middle school and high school weren’t any better for me. Then if that weren’t enough I found myself in yet another hellhole called Job Corps. Being thrown into a harsher environment I didn’t understand. I was from such a small town. I had never encountered anything like that before in my life! Guess what? As a sort of induction I had everything I brought with me stolen, within the year I spent there. I also had the pleasure of enduring plenty of mental and physical abuse, last but not least let’s not forget being raped but ?.. I always just love to play the victim right?
People often ask me how I ever ended up being over 500 pounds I tell them metabolism, you know bad eating, and of course no exercise being in a wheel chair and all. Yet I know deep down inside with what I’ve had to live through I just wanted to die. I just didn’t have enough guts to do it correctly the first few times I tried.
*But the one thing that I could always control was my food it was the only comfort someone like me had. So I used it to not only self sooth, but as a means to end it all. *
Abuse is something that I have always known and been accustomed to I even learned to expect it. It started very early in my childhood but that all ended…. When I met Berkson I was 29 years old and he was the very first person who actually showed me I could have\deserved real love. Though I’ve had relationships before…. if you could call them that! We don’t really need to talk about the things…. or that were done or that I had allowed to happen…. just because I just wanted so desperately for somebody to care for me and I was willing to do anything if somebody would just love me or even pretend too.
Yet I digress…. he has even asked me to be stronger for him! But how is that possible when my safe zone is in essence HIM!? In whatever form and in whatever way he grows and changes for the rest of our lives. He is my comfort and he will always be my home. Just the thought of not hearing him breathe at night, the thump of his steady heartbeat when I lay on his chest. Even the comfort of his warmth when I need it the most, my panic attacks and nightmares being quelled as he pulls me in tight.
How can I be asked or expected to be okay without any of that? Even just little things like picking up his clothes as annoying as that maybe, yelling at him to take out the damned trash… I’m going to miss it with every fiber of my being… I am going to miss it more than anyone can imagine.
Don’t get me wrong we are going to talk constantly, hopefully and eventually I’ll able to go over there and visit… But at this very moment I’m drowning and I can’t seem to stand up! It’s those damned waves that keep crashing over my head. I just keep seeing the shore slip further into the distance. Everyone offers their condolences and of course their opinions telling me it’s going to be OK I’m gonna be just fine! Yet nobody else has to live in my head. It’s just been the two of us for so long, plus this doesn’t help I know it’s hurting him too! But the way he and I express ourselves it’s a bit differently-OK a lot differently!
That doesn’t mean I’m not going to lose it as I watch him going through the gate into that damned plane. Of course I need him to know that I’m going to be OK! I need him to understand that I’m trying my damnedest, to hold my shit together so he won’t have to worry as much. I want him to know that even when I’m drowning that I always know that he’s there waiting for me at the shore. So even when I’m struggling the most while he’s gone, I’ll know I have someone still waiting for me arms open wide. And he needs to know I will always make my way back to him.
I know this is an extremely long post and if you made it this far I appreciate it. I wanted to show what it’s like for a dominant who is actually mentally ill, also lives with chronic pain. Sadly also her world has just been turned completely upside down. Who’s comfort zone just so happens to be going 1,000,000,000 miles away, what makes it even worse it’s going to be for a very long time. But despite everything I’ve gone through, our LOVE and relationship is worth everything and that gives me hope. It also happens that it gives me one hell of a reason to keep fighting to get better in all areas mentioned above. Don’t ever worry I’ll make my way back to the shore no matter what’s made me slip, because I know he’ll always be waiting for me… I will never give up!