Compersion and the Green-Eyed Femdom

That bitch don't want none of this.

The past few weeks have been so busy.  I moved out of one apartment nearby work to another a few kilometres away.  The noise is better, I don’t have to hear planes taking off all night, but I do miss out on the nightly screaming and hate-fucking that my neighbours have serenaded me to sleep with every night.  Bigger home, more traffic.  More money to compensate for distance, time, and food, but the hit on convenience cannot be understated.  Alas, some wins, some losses.

I’m a fan of moving.  I’ve talked about this before , about how the act itself is a nightmare but the time I get to spend with either Eiren or my thoughts is wonderful… and, as I’ve talked about even more, I spend a lot of time with my thoughts already.  So what does one think about when they’re already thinking about everything?

Apparently, the same thing that everyone else just happened to be thinking about.  I’ve had five separate friends speak to me about casual to petty jealousies.  Some generality, some specifics within our own Community, but all of it just seemed so… familiar?

Eiren is a jealous person.  What’s hers is hers and that’s all there is to it.  I’m not for sharing, it isn’t up for discussion, nor would I tolerate the discussion if I felt that there were ulterior motivations, such as feelings of doubt spurred by a particularly bad depression day that may cause her to have a lapse in judgement that she doesn’t really support (sidenote:  consent means being considerate of disabilities and how they affect judgement at certain times).

Still, she’s not a child.  We both understand how far that extends and what the true boundaries are, especially when almost all of it isn’t true jealousy, just some of the cute pettinesses that drive healthy relationships with humour.  I smile when I read things, when I’m writing things, when I’m enjoying myself, and perhaps one of my favourite things about Eiren is her ability to ask in complete, bristling seriousness:

Who the fuck are you smiling at?

Only to have it disappear instants later when I’m honest.  I’m, of course, speaking to a friend, reading their writing, posting something funny for other people, enjoying myself in a video game with many others, or even helping someone.  It’s such a genuine thing, watching it disappear with an “Oh…”, prompting me to prod and tease her back:

You don’t like other people making me happy, do you?

“I hate it.” she half-truth’s to me.  No, she doesn’t hate it.  My happiness is the only thing that matters to her, and seeing me smile for anything other than the joy she gives me only provokes a greedy need to keep every aspect of it to herself for an instant until she remembers that it wouldn’t be right to cloister me from the world and that hoarding the sight of my smile to only her givings isn’t exactly reasonable, or at least feasible. 😛  Needless to say, compersion in regards to me doesn’t always inspire rational emotions.

This sweetness doesn’t preclude the green-eyed femdom’s existence, however.  Eiren is a jealous person, and we’ve had to talk about this before so we both understood where it was coming from, what it meant, and how it affects our relationship.  None of these were ever hard, but they’re understandably uncomfortable, scary conversations, and this is healthy fear.  It means that we’re both giving it our honest, vulnerable, open thoughts.

Perhaps the most important example is how insecurity leads to very real feelings of inadequacy and intense jealousy.  I’ve surrounded myself with some brilliant, amazing, and beautiful women, where I talk and blog about my relationship, about our bodies, and perhaps most sensitively, sex.  This is terrifying for her, replete with perfectly valid reasons on why this is hard and why she is scared.

I just feel like you think I’m not smart enough to talk about this with you…

On why we don’t really ever talk about femdom in the way I talk to other people about it.

I’m always so afraid that you’ll find someone amazing and beautiful that isn’t broken like me.

In which she fears me being poached by someone charming, smart, and more wonderful than her.

Do you wish my dominance was more like your smart femdom friends…?

The most reoccurring threat, one where I might wish she were someone else.  It implies a potential resentment with who she is, and plants a seed that asks of her when she sleeps, when she showers, when she feels her body ache or when her mind is playing tricks on her: “Am I good enough for Evelyn?”

And, in complete honesty, it took a long time to understand what that question meant to me.  Did I want Eiren to be more like my friends?  No.  Immediately, the answer is no, I do not… but there was more there.  I could feel it, hiding beneath the surface, wanting to break free from a set foundation.  Did I want any change?  Yes, me… I wanted to change me.

My submission is modeled much off of others dominance.  Off of their caring, and respect, and standards for themselves before standards for others, and I think that this is why the green-eyed femdom, for all of her fear… never really ran.  I submit, often, with servant leadership, by supporting from the front, and by being able to understand and emphasize with her fears.

No, Eiren is my ideal femdom.  She’s sweet, and vulnerable, and caring.  She puts me before her, where I put her before me, and we tackle the challenges and peace together, regardless of how hard and easy they might be.  We’re, despite it’s implications, a team, and we look to each other before we look to the world outside, and, most importantly to me, we’re learning.

Always learning.  From others, from friends, from hurts and victories, deliberately or by accident, we’re always learning how to be better for each other.

Conviction

I’ve done a lot of things for the greater good in my life.  I can remember getting on a plane at eighteen with just a back pack to go meet Eiren, a woman who’d just found out that I’d been lying to her about my age for two years.

We don’t often think about the consequences that our actions might incur until it’s too late and too little can be done to prevent them, but sometimes our mistakes teach us valuable life lessons.  Lying to her almost cost me the two years of relationship building that we had together, a best friend, a girlfriend, and a Mistress, and if not for the fact that I had truly learned my lesson, I’d have a completely different life now.

That lesson helped propel my life into many things that weren’t even in the scope of what I could consider when I learned it, but it’s importance can’t be understated.  It’s been, to say very little, an wild ride and part of the foundation that I’ve used to build myself as an adult.

With all of this said, I’m still endlessly surprised that I’m continuously underestimated by the people who’ve known me the longest, my family.

Every time I make a choice, every time I know what’s best for myself, every time I set boundaries, every decision I make… Is the wrong one.  I’m the black sheep and, even in the best of circumstances, inconsequential until my livelihood is an inconvenience.

Berkson married a fat woman.

I married my best friend and the love of my life.

You’ll never be able to accomplish this goal.

I did it without your help and by myself.

Do you need me to help you get rid of your “problem”?

Eiren isn’t a problem, Dad.  Are you trying to get rid of yourself?

He’ll always be my little boy.  Are you sure that this isn’t just a phase?

It isn’t a phase, and your little girls name is Evelyn.

Did Eiren talk you into doing this?

The lesson I learned was to always do things that I truly feel are the right decision and to always do them to be honest with Eiren and myself.   I’m not infallible, but every decision I make isn’t wrong, despite what I’ve been told so often.

I have to live my life understanding that my actions have consequences, that honesty is always the best policy, that I’ll make mistakes, but most importantly, that it’s my life and the only person who can dictate it is Eiren.

Consequences sometimes hold lessons, honesty creates love, mistakes happen, and life goes on.

Wicked Wednesday

Blog Direction and Life Happenings

I’m writing this on the bus, Eiren and I are heading to Seoul just for the chance to get some amazing Korean fusion tacos again from our now favourite place in the city. I don’t live so far away from the city, but it still takes around 30 minutes for us to get there. Public transportation is an amazing commodity that, coming from Northern California suburbs, I never really had an opportunity to care about or need. This matters to me because it all seems very surreal right now… it’s Sunday and Eiren leaves on Tuesday morning. The last time we were in this situation, I was driving us to San Francisco in my work truck so we could go have dumplings and spend time in Wicked Grounds. Every time we’re about to be apart, we find some place to eat good food and spend private time with each other.

I don’t want her to leave. I’d like to get on the bus with her every single Sunday and take us to Seoul for tacos, but I felt the same way in California too, I would have rather spent the six hours each Sunday in traffic to and from just to get us some dumplings and spend more time at Wicked Grounds than have to leave home. Alas, I’m on contract. I go where the job takes me and I put up with the shortcomings because they helped me save Eiren’s life. One final hurrah from the job is the least I can do for the health she has now in exchange for what I have and the happiness I have because of it.

The bigger picture isn’t often kind to relationships in the now, but almost always pays dividends later, and this has been especially true in ours. I don’t want her to leave. I don’t, I don’t, I just fucking don’t, but I know that it’s not forever. Life is happening and we’ll move forward with our happiness regardless if the now is happy or not.

Blog Direction

All the sadness aside, I always have reasons to be happy. I never take this for granted, especially when I know that there have been so many other girls in my place now who couldn’t be happy under the same circumstances, and I try to make sure that I share that as much as I can… and I think that’s why I’ve finally started to understand why I made this blog in the first place. I’ve had things to say before, I’ll have things to say later, but this was never about me having things to say, I think it’s always been about having a voice and now I know what that voice sounds like.

I get a unique opportunity to blog about femdom as a submissive transgender woman with an in-depth understanding of my own submissiveness as a man and how my transition will affect me and my world. My triumphs, challenges, opinions, thoughts, life… I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I’d like to take this blog, and honestly, it’s only now occurred to me that I could just… use it as a fucking blog like all of my other favourite writers instead of focusing on things that I think are important or that people will like to read.

I’m just going to write about as much as I can. I want to share my transition, I want to share the small things that I usually overlook because I think that they’ll be boring… I just want to share me. All of me. The whole person approach to submission doesn’t work when I only ever consider the whole person when I think that they’re important.

Being Daddy

The first time Eiren called me Daddy, I wasn’t a big fan… but like most little things in our relationship, it became this increasingly accurate identity within itself.

Eiren has always had this ability, or maybe it’s just that I’m just so malleable to her, where she could sense the things I was missing in my life without me realizing that it was something important to me. Another good example of this was touch. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, I really just didn’t like any of it, because I wasn’t used to it at all. I can remember being loved as a child, but I can’t remember ever having love unless I asked for it.

I can remember sitting on the couch with my mother putting her arms around me and my sister on either side of her, but I can’t remember any time that this happened without a prompt from one of us.

And so, Eiren could sense this, and while I was in my own process of helping turn her life into one that she could continue to live in, she was turning mine into one that I could be happy in. Eiren knew from talking to me, from being such a good friend to me, that I was in desperate need of love. Even when I hated being snuggled, she’d order me (like a puppy who doesn’t want to be held) to stay where I was while she loved on me in one way or another. Horrible, right?

Being Daddy was much the same way. In the beginning of our relationship I was her caregiver and I will never stop being that in some form or another. Eiren is a tall woman at 5’10”, but at 6’7″ I am still much larger than her, and for someone who’d always been bigger than everyone because of either her weight or height, I am a comfort to her, she being able to fit in my arms easily.

I am her protector, her strong companion and slave, but I am still Daddy. I take care of her when she is sick, and make my Mistress do the things she doesn’t always want to do because of stubbornness, because that’s what Daddy will always do.

Most importantly, though, I’ll always be honest to her. I’ll always ask for help when I’m sick, or hurting, or when I need more of that love that I originally didn’t know how to handle, and so I share my life with her and every hardship, knowing that the things that I say might be difficult, or cause her to worry, or even hurt her, because I know how important it is for her and I to have that transparency and trust in one another.

It doesn’t mean that hard facts become softer, though, and when I tell Eiren things I’m often worried or scared, but I am honestly just so, so lucky to be married to the most wonderful woman on earth. I am lucky to be owned by her, I am lucky to be her best friend, and I am lucky that I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with her, for her.

I’ve been going to real therapy for a few months now with an understanding of gender psychology, and I’ve finally understood what the feelings I’ve had about myself and the things that have made me the most comfortable in my life were pointing me to the conclusion that I’m transgender, and that the difficult path ahead of me is unavoidable if I am to continue being happy with my life, despite all of the hardships and changes that will happen from here on out. Eiren understands, and supports me, and continues to love me just the same as if this had never happened. She really, really is too good for me.

I’ll always be Daddy, though, because that’s what she and I have always needed in our life together, and she knew this from the very beginning.