Busy & Boring

Busy & Boring sums up the last two months of my life pretty well.  I’ve harped on about being nearly done with this job for a while now, but now that it’s actually starting to unwind it’s just all happening so damn fast.

I’m starting to turn over my work to someone new, and I’m doing what I can to improve the processes used by various divisions attached to my organization with how they turn in aircraft components.  This is an issue because, as you can imagine, when people are busy they tend to care more about the “work” than they do about the “accountability”, and telling Mx. Smith that they need to find the component that they misplaced or they’re liable for somewhere in the six figure range isn’t ideal or, really, a good way of doing business.

It’s boring work, but it’s already paid dividends here, and the cool thing about what I’m doing is that a lot of it allows me to find previously lost or still missing assets.  I’m all about this kind of thing.

There is just so much going on now though.  Work alone isn’t always busy, but the planning that I have to do for my personal life is threatening to suffocate me.  Planning for taking a class this next semester which will earn me an associate degree, planning for going back to school full-time in the Spring, dealing with immigration for a few different places of which the certainty for usefulness or timeliness doesn’t really exist in the first place, baby dog needing surgery on her jaw, and, like I mentioned, not being employed anymore.

That’s the hardest one really.  I am a good worker and a valuable employee.  I make good money, I have good health care attached to the job for me AND Eiren, but I want to do something else with my life and it’s terrifying to think that a future employer will see my sudden break in employment, even if it’s to go to school, and think “Why would I hire this monkey if I could just hire someone young who doesn’t expect as much?”

This says nothing about the more immediate fear that every dollar I’m spending now is a dollar out of my future.  I have the money saved up for school and I’m ready to go it almost debt free, but I am scared about not keeping the same quality of life for Eiren.

Ugh, I’m certainly not the first person to have these thoughts, I know that.  My life is always improving because I have the drive and determination to make it so, and this is no exception.  I’m glad that I have the sense to worry though, even when I know that things will be okay for everybody.

Elust #107

https://cammiesonthefloor.com/shadowy/

Photo courtesy of Cammies on the Floor

Welcome to Elust 107

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #108? Start with the rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Baby making…

I thought of GotN while fucking

Man-struation

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Room 401

Compost

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The Shadows Fall Behind You
You really should consider adding your popular posts here too!

Blogging

How and If to Continue

Erotic Fiction

Conference
driving lessons
Elegant is as Elegant does
Naked in the Rain
I’ll Watch
The Muse
Underdog
On the Dark Side
Cosmic
The Shadows Fall Behind You
The Key to Room 237 – The Embrace.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

On Letting Go
Not Bad, but Not Good
His Voice (and other things)
Compersion and the Green-Eyed Femdom
Kinky Fuckery

Erotic Non-Fiction

Our Largest Organ
The lovers joined
The Comfort of Familiar Sex

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Outside the Bubble
Are you on Collarspace.com? Read this
Selling Worn Knickers
My naked Mistress

Elust

Compersion and the Green-Eyed Femdom

That bitch don't want none of this.

The past few weeks have been so busy.  I moved out of one apartment nearby work to another a few kilometres away.  The noise is better, I don’t have to hear planes taking off all night, but I do miss out on the nightly screaming and hate-fucking that my neighbours have serenaded me to sleep with every night.  Bigger home, more traffic.  More money to compensate for distance, time, and food, but the hit on convenience cannot be understated.  Alas, some wins, some losses.

I’m a fan of moving.  I’ve talked about this before , about how the act itself is a nightmare but the time I get to spend with either Eiren or my thoughts is wonderful… and, as I’ve talked about even more, I spend a lot of time with my thoughts already.  So what does one think about when they’re already thinking about everything?

Apparently, the same thing that everyone else just happened to be thinking about.  I’ve had five separate friends speak to me about casual to petty jealousies.  Some generality, some specifics within our own Community, but all of it just seemed so… familiar?

Eiren is a jealous person.  What’s hers is hers and that’s all there is to it.  I’m not for sharing, it isn’t up for discussion, nor would I tolerate the discussion if I felt that there were ulterior motivations, such as feelings of doubt spurred by a particularly bad depression day that may cause her to have a lapse in judgement that she doesn’t really support (sidenote:  consent means being considerate of disabilities and how they affect judgement at certain times).

Still, she’s not a child.  We both understand how far that extends and what the true boundaries are, especially when almost all of it isn’t true jealousy, just some of the cute pettinesses that drive healthy relationships with humour.  I smile when I read things, when I’m writing things, when I’m enjoying myself, and perhaps one of my favourite things about Eiren is her ability to ask in complete, bristling seriousness:

Who the fuck are you smiling at?

Only to have it disappear instants later when I’m honest.  I’m, of course, speaking to a friend, reading their writing, posting something funny for other people, enjoying myself in a video game with many others, or even helping someone.  It’s such a genuine thing, watching it disappear with an “Oh…”, prompting me to prod and tease her back:

You don’t like other people making me happy, do you?

“I hate it.” she half-truth’s to me.  No, she doesn’t hate it.  My happiness is the only thing that matters to her, and seeing me smile for anything other than the joy she gives me only provokes a greedy need to keep every aspect of it to herself for an instant until she remembers that it wouldn’t be right to cloister me from the world and that hoarding the sight of my smile to only her givings isn’t exactly reasonable, or at least feasible. 😛  Needless to say, compersion in regards to me doesn’t always inspire rational emotions.

This sweetness doesn’t preclude the green-eyed femdom’s existence, however.  Eiren is a jealous person, and we’ve had to talk about this before so we both understood where it was coming from, what it meant, and how it affects our relationship.  None of these were ever hard, but they’re understandably uncomfortable, scary conversations, and this is healthy fear.  It means that we’re both giving it our honest, vulnerable, open thoughts.

Perhaps the most important example is how insecurity leads to very real feelings of inadequacy and intense jealousy.  I’ve surrounded myself with some brilliant, amazing, and beautiful women, where I talk and blog about my relationship, about our bodies, and perhaps most sensitively, sex.  This is terrifying for her, replete with perfectly valid reasons on why this is hard and why she is scared.

I just feel like you think I’m not smart enough to talk about this with you…

On why we don’t really ever talk about femdom in the way I talk to other people about it.

I’m always so afraid that you’ll find someone amazing and beautiful that isn’t broken like me.

In which she fears me being poached by someone charming, smart, and more wonderful than her.

Do you wish my dominance was more like your smart femdom friends…?

The most reoccurring threat, one where I might wish she were someone else.  It implies a potential resentment with who she is, and plants a seed that asks of her when she sleeps, when she showers, when she feels her body ache or when her mind is playing tricks on her: “Am I good enough for Evelyn?”

And, in complete honesty, it took a long time to understand what that question meant to me.  Did I want Eiren to be more like my friends?  No.  Immediately, the answer is no, I do not… but there was more there.  I could feel it, hiding beneath the surface, wanting to break free from a set foundation.  Did I want any change?  Yes, me… I wanted to change me.

My submission is modeled much off of others dominance.  Off of their caring, and respect, and standards for themselves before standards for others, and I think that this is why the green-eyed femdom, for all of her fear… never really ran.  I submit, often, with servant leadership, by supporting from the front, and by being able to understand and emphasize with her fears.

No, Eiren is my ideal femdom.  She’s sweet, and vulnerable, and caring.  She puts me before her, where I put her before me, and we tackle the challenges and peace together, regardless of how hard and easy they might be.  We’re, despite it’s implications, a team, and we look to each other before we look to the world outside, and, most importantly to me, we’re learning.

Always learning.  From others, from friends, from hurts and victories, deliberately or by accident, we’re always learning how to be better for each other.

Elust #106

Photo courtesy of submiss34f

Welcome to Elust 106

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #107? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Orgasms Save Me From Myself

Charlie’s Bar

I’m Not Ready to Love My Body

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Letters and Lonely Hearts

I Want to Curve and Ache

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Don’t fear the smear

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Transitioning Sexual Health
Don’t fear the smear
How do you make sex toys accessible?
Having a IUD fitted

Erotic Non-Fiction

Xebec
Do You Still Know How?
Old Style Porn
From behind
These Feet
Trust

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

You, Me, Her

Erotic Fiction

Orinoco Flow
Bastinado
Shivers
Spanking (A Vignette)
An Evening Out
Face To Face
In Lucy’s hands
More than Friends: Pushing Limits

Writing About Writing

The Importance of a Muse to This Writer

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Pegging and Prostate
Dating: Hope vs Delusion
Going Deeper
Conviction

Poetry

-05.05.18_17:52-

Blogging

My secret identity: a sex-blogging superhero

 

 

 

Elust

Conviction

I’ve done a lot of things for the greater good in my life.  I can remember getting on a plane at eighteen with just a back pack to go meet Eiren, a woman who’d just found out that I’d been lying to her about my age for two years.

We don’t often think about the consequences that our actions might incur until it’s too late and too little can be done to prevent them, but sometimes our mistakes teach us valuable life lessons.  Lying to her almost cost me the two years of relationship building that we had together, a best friend, a girlfriend, and a Mistress, and if not for the fact that I had truly learned my lesson, I’d have a completely different life now.

That lesson helped propel my life into many things that weren’t even in the scope of what I could consider when I learned it, but it’s importance can’t be understated.  It’s been, to say very little, an wild ride and part of the foundation that I’ve used to build myself as an adult.

With all of this said, I’m still endlessly surprised that I’m continuously underestimated by the people who’ve known me the longest, my family.

Every time I make a choice, every time I know what’s best for myself, every time I set boundaries, every decision I make… Is the wrong one.  I’m the black sheep and, even in the best of circumstances, inconsequential until my livelihood is an inconvenience.

Berkson married a fat woman.

I married my best friend and the love of my life.

You’ll never be able to accomplish this goal.

I did it without your help and by myself.

Do you need me to help you get rid of your “problem”?

Eiren isn’t a problem, Dad.  Are you trying to get rid of yourself?

He’ll always be my little boy.  Are you sure that this isn’t just a phase?

It isn’t a phase, and your little girls name is Evelyn.

Did Eiren talk you into doing this?

The lesson I learned was to always do things that I truly feel are the right decision and to always do them to be honest with Eiren and myself.   I’m not infallible, but every decision I make isn’t wrong, despite what I’ve been told so often.

I have to live my life understanding that my actions have consequences, that honesty is always the best policy, that I’ll make mistakes, but most importantly, that it’s my life and the only person who can dictate it is Eiren.

Consequences sometimes hold lessons, honesty creates love, mistakes happen, and life goes on.

Wicked Wednesday

Blog Direction and Life Happenings

I’m writing this on the bus, Eiren and I are heading to Seoul just for the chance to get some amazing Korean fusion tacos again from our now favourite place in the city. I don’t live so far away from the city, but it still takes around 30 minutes for us to get there. Public transportation is an amazing commodity that, coming from Northern California suburbs, I never really had an opportunity to care about or need. This matters to me because it all seems very surreal right now… it’s Sunday and Eiren leaves on Tuesday morning. The last time we were in this situation, I was driving us to San Francisco in my work truck so we could go have dumplings and spend time in Wicked Grounds. Every time we’re about to be apart, we find some place to eat good food and spend private time with each other.

I don’t want her to leave. I’d like to get on the bus with her every single Sunday and take us to Seoul for tacos, but I felt the same way in California too, I would have rather spent the six hours each Sunday in traffic to and from just to get us some dumplings and spend more time at Wicked Grounds than have to leave home. Alas, I’m on contract. I go where the job takes me and I put up with the shortcomings because they helped me save Eiren’s life. One final hurrah from the job is the least I can do for the health she has now in exchange for what I have and the happiness I have because of it.

The bigger picture isn’t often kind to relationships in the now, but almost always pays dividends later, and this has been especially true in ours. I don’t want her to leave. I don’t, I don’t, I just fucking don’t, but I know that it’s not forever. Life is happening and we’ll move forward with our happiness regardless if the now is happy or not.

Blog Direction

All the sadness aside, I always have reasons to be happy. I never take this for granted, especially when I know that there have been so many other girls in my place now who couldn’t be happy under the same circumstances, and I try to make sure that I share that as much as I can… and I think that’s why I’ve finally started to understand why I made this blog in the first place. I’ve had things to say before, I’ll have things to say later, but this was never about me having things to say, I think it’s always been about having a voice and now I know what that voice sounds like.

I get a unique opportunity to blog about femdom as a submissive transgender woman with an in-depth understanding of my own submissiveness as a man and how my transition will affect me and my world. My triumphs, challenges, opinions, thoughts, life… I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I’d like to take this blog, and honestly, it’s only now occurred to me that I could just… use it as a fucking blog like all of my other favourite writers instead of focusing on things that I think are important or that people will like to read.

I’m just going to write about as much as I can. I want to share my transition, I want to share the small things that I usually overlook because I think that they’ll be boring… I just want to share me. All of me. The whole person approach to submission doesn’t work when I only ever consider the whole person when I think that they’re important.

Transitioning Sexual Health

I’ve already started transitioning into womanhood, but since my last post I’ve made the decision to set the pace in the moment and not worry too much about the end goal.  I’m going to get there, so I shouldn’t make it a matter of when or how, but focus on the me and now.

What is important to me now, though?  Eiren.  Eiren is always important to me in the now, so focusing on her comfort is itself focusing on my comfort, and so we discuss my transition.  We discuss wants, and needs, and reassure each other of our commitments and expectations.  We want a child, and frankly, time is working against us.  Eiren is turning 40 this year and is rightly concerned about fertility and health issues, for herself and a baby, and I want to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT) as soon as possible.  We compromise easily, there is no hurt, just mutual understanding and love.  Both of us want what the other wants and we’re a team in a timed race.

So we’ll give it another year.  January, 2020 instead of 2019.  A full year of trying to get pregnant, a full year without the worry of me leaving for work and the consistency that I’ll be home every night with a smile, although maybe an exhausted one from school.  This is the date that I’ll begin HRT unless our work pays off before that time and she manages to get pregnant earlier.

After Eiren, the next thing that’s important to me is… me.  I’m not the most important thing in my life.  There are parts of it that will be important or take priority, but it’s only really ever if that aligns with what she needs.  Keeping myself healthy is one such thing that matters more, for example, because it allows her peace of mind, it keeps me strong, and it let’s us stay happy together for longer.

I came to a lot of good conclusions in my last post and I didn’t want to waste them, though, so I’ve taken advantage of my insight: I’ve hired a voice coach, I’ve decided that I’ll dress how I’d like as soon as I can, and I’ve started to shave my body hair every day.  These are little things that I know I can do in the now, or soon enough, that will have a strong immediate impact on my happiness and a lasting long-term impact, too.  It’s smart of me, that is to say, these goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.

The negatives, or at least the challenges, can’t be ignored either, even if they are validating in their own fucked up ways.  My kink is changing and I’m coming to grips with how that effects me, with what it means for being Eiren’s slave.  I’ve always described our marriage as a “Female Led Relationship”, and, well, learning that you too are female sort of throws a wrench in that!  Easy enough, It can be changed to a “Female Dominant Led Relationship”!  Hah!  Suck on that, verbiage!

There are lessons to be learned from the negatives too.  I’m a woman now.  My name is Evelyn and I am a transgender woman and, because of this, I’ve started to attempt to view myself as such.  It isn’t such an easy thing, having so many years of fantasizing about being a woman, but never actually feeling that it was real, and then changing that and having to remind yourself that “Yes, it is real, you are a woman, Evelyn.”  My kink is changing, but hot is still hot.  Men submitting to women, women submitting to women, me submitting to women, and that’s where it is right there: I have to make the effort to relearn who I am.  I’m a woman submitting to women and I want my porn to reflect that.  Easy enough, right?

Wait… Where in the fuck did my porn go?  I’ve come from having limitless representation to practically none and making this decision to transition in my life now has meant that I’ve abruptly lost privilege that never even occurred to me as something capable of being lost, and then I almost dismissed my loss.

This isn’t a small thing at all, it’s a huge thing and it disgusts me how nonchalantly I dismissed the issue, but I’m proud of myself for catching it.  I’m proud of myself for recognizing that I need to be more mindful of women’s issues, even if I thought I was before realizing that I was transgender, because I may catch myself making larger mistakes in the future that could hurt others, too.  The lesson to be learned here is that, even in something as basic to my life as pornography, I have less.  Women routinely have less and I need to remember to be a part of the solution, I need remember that I’m allowed to have my own space in feminism and remind myself that it’s okay to make these mistakes as long as I recognize them or recognize being called out for it and learn from my mistakes.

My transition is my own and things are going to continue to change, especially my sexual health.  Be aware, Evelyn.  Be aware, be brave, and be ready to face the challenges of change and continue to change with them, for other women and for yourself.

Elust #105

By Mrs Fever

Photo courtesy of Mrs Fever

Welcome to Elust 105

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #106 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I lost my sexuality for a year.

Stolen Penis

Bright English Mornings

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Flavour of Femme

She Teaches Sex Ed!

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Katy

You really should consider adding your popular posts here too
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Game On
Rites of Passage Training – Sensual Details.
More than Friend’s: Chloe’s video
Molly: The First
Your Canvas
Sometimes I talk too much
His Dirty Rhythm
In case you didn’t get fucked last night.
Gossamer
Cataclysm
The Girl in Fishnets

Erotic Non-Fiction

Let’s Play a Game
Abandoning the Sofa
Smacked around a bit
Fuck You [Redacted]

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Meet The Desperate Eye Of Censorship
The Catastrophe of Ageing

Body Talk and Sexual Health

What it’s like to model nude for art classes
Tip Your Artists

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Life… grief, depression and disability
Living with Chronic Lyme Disease
Welcome

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

The edge of glory
F/m Reader Q&A (audio with full transcript)
Teasing & Torment
Guest Post: Interview with Violet Fawkes

Events

A landmark event for MPB – Public Play

Poetry

-07.04.18_13:49-

 

 

Elust

Flavour of Femme

I spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about my life and the direction I’m taking with it, that is to say, I’m always examining myself. I doubt this is something unique about me, but I’ve really never met someone else who is always analyzing themselves the way that I do.

Most recently it’s been about all of this time I simultaneously have and don’t have in regards to transitioning, going back to school, and starting my life again after I’m finished with my work obligation at the end of the year, specifically the logistics of everything weighted against my level of overall happiness. I’m not foolish enough to believe that I’m leaving the stressful environment that I live in now for something much easier, no, I’m simply replacing it with perhaps something much more soulfully difficult, for the happiness of my future self.

The reality is that I’ll never pass the way that I’d like to pass. Naysay or pick apart my position how you will, this is how I feel: I’m simply too large. My head hits the doorway when I leave a room, and my shoulders are almost half a length wider then that of the average woman. This isn’t a deterrent to me, but it doesn’t do me any favours either.

I’m left to determine the level of grief I’m willing to bear from here. Do I present openly at the beginning of my transition, the start of school next year, knowing fully to myself that I’ll look every part a man in a dress, or do I cloister myself until I feel that I can at least pretend to fit in. I can choose to be happy for myself and sad for how the world views me from both sides.

Perhaps the best option is to be patient. There are things that I can work on while my body changes that can help me more than just clothing: my voice, my mannerisms, my habits. Realistically, if I sound like a girl, and look like a boy, I’m pretty okay with that scenario. I can have a French manicure and wear flattering boy clothes, and that isn’t so bad either.

Going back to school will be a good place for this to happen, too. Much better than the awkwardness of work, higher education is a place where many people are changing themselves already. I might stick out, but there are bound to be others who stick out too, and, well, I already know who I am. I get the advantage of going back to school as an adult with all the learned experiences a student sans work has not yet had the displeasure to deal with. It might not change how other people are towards me, but it certainly helps the way I think about events, deadlines, and drama.

I have to remember that I can’t do everything I want to do at once. I will eventually be more comfortable in my body and in the clothing I’d like to wear, and I will eventually make myself wear them in public regardless of my level of comfort. I can incorporate aspects of womanhood in my life slowly, but I can also take the reins and force myself into discomfort for the good of myself later on, too.

This isn’t going to be easy for me, but I can make it easier by planning and preparing myself. I can rely on Eiren and my support network, too, but I have to be prepared to rely on myself as well. Women are strong, and I will be a strong woman.