I don’t win

I feel like I’m in a clock that tics faster the closer it gets to twelve.  Each day is getting faster and everything that happens between now and January, the good and the bad, is felt so much more clearly than if it would have happened a year ago, and these events aren’t just limited to the material.  My thoughts, my feelings, my relationship: everything is on overdrive right now.

I don’t win this race.  When I take a step back and evaluate everything that’s happening it’s just so clear to me that life isn’t going to get easier the faster everything is moving.  More, much more, sooner than I’ll be ready for it and it’s going to hit me all at once.  Honestly, there are a couple of options I have to deal with this… I could harden myself so that it breaks on impact, I could try to solve these issues before they happen, or I can let it hit me and pick up the pieces.

I’m going with the last option and the reasons are a little emotionally complicated for me.  I deal with stress very well, I’ve had to for so long.  It’s absolutely helped develop me into an adult that I’m proud of being… but, just once, I want to be able to loosen my grip on my life and just experience things in a way that I haven’t prepared for.

Another step back.  Maybe, just maybe, this is the healthier option?

I could put in the work every day from now until January to be ready for all of this, but the cost is time.  I could take it a bit easier at work and focus on the extra, but the cost is well-being.  Or I could let it happen, I could lose the race, and just be inconvenienced.

That’s it.  All that’s going to happen to me is inconvenience.  I’ll do almost anything to be ready for nothing.  Seriously, the three paragraphs above are weeks of thought condensed and it didn’t occur to me that the healthiest option was to accept that I don’t have to be ready for everything until I fucking dreamed about it.  Yikes.

The truth is that I’m not prepared to leave my job yet.  I’m not prepared to be a student.  I’m not prepared to live differently.

I’m not prepared to move on from known comfort, stability, and order to chaos.

So I don’t win.  I use the opportunity I have now to learn what it’s like to pick up pieces safely, to practice failing before it can hurt me, and to prepare myself for when it can.  My life is going to become more enjoyable to live but harder to inhabit and this is my chance to see what it’s like when things do fail and learn how to handle that.

I don’t win now so I can be a better loser.

Posted by Evelyn

Submissive woman in my mid-20s. Writer, engineer, explorer. Transgender (she/her). Happily owned and married to my Mistress Eiren.

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