I’m writing this on the bus, Eiren and I are heading to Seoul just for the chance to get some amazing Korean fusion tacos again from our now favourite place in the city. I don’t live so far away from the city, but it still takes around 30 minutes for us to get there. Public transportation is an amazing commodity that, coming from Northern California suburbs, I never really had an opportunity to care about or need. This matters to me because it all seems very surreal right now… it’s Sunday and Eiren leaves on Tuesday morning. The last time we were in this situation, I was driving us to San Francisco in my work truck so we could go have dumplings and spend time in Wicked Grounds. Every time we’re about to be apart, we find some place to eat good food and spend private time with each other.
I don’t want her to leave. I’d like to get on the bus with her every single Sunday and take us to Seoul for tacos, but I felt the same way in California too, I would have rather spent the six hours each Sunday in traffic to and from just to get us some dumplings and spend more time at Wicked Grounds than have to leave home. Alas, I’m on contract. I go where the job takes me and I put up with the shortcomings because they helped me save Eiren’s life. One final hurrah from the job is the least I can do for the health she has now in exchange for what I have and the happiness I have because of it.
The bigger picture isn’t often kind to relationships in the now, but almost always pays dividends later, and this has been especially true in ours. I don’t want her to leave. I don’t, I don’t, I just fucking don’t, but I know that it’s not forever. Life is happening and we’ll move forward with our happiness regardless if the now is happy or not.
All the sadness aside, I always have reasons to be happy. I never take this for granted, especially when I know that there have been so many other girls in my place now who couldn’t be happy under the same circumstances, and I try to make sure that I share that as much as I can… and I think that’s why I’ve finally started to understand why I made this blog in the first place. I’ve had things to say before, I’ll have things to say later, but this was never about me having things to say, I think it’s always been about having a voice and now I know what that voice sounds like.
I get a unique opportunity to blog about femdom as a submissive transgender woman with an in-depth understanding of my own submissiveness as a man and how my transition will affect me and my world. My triumphs, challenges, opinions, thoughts, life… I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I’d like to take this blog, and honestly, it’s only now occurred to me that I could just… use it as a fucking blog like all of my other favourite writers instead of focusing on things that I think are important or that people will like to read.
I’m just going to write about as much as I can. I want to share my transition, I want to share the small things that I usually overlook because I think that they’ll be boring… I just want to share me. All of me. The whole person approach to submission doesn’t work when I only ever consider the whole person when I think that they’re important.