I’ve already started transitioning into womanhood, but since my last post I’ve made the decision to set the pace in the moment and not worry too much about the end goal. I’m going to get there, so I shouldn’t make it a matter of when or how, but focus on the me and now.
What is important to me now, though? Eiren. Eiren is always important to me in the now, so focusing on her comfort is itself focusing on my comfort, and so we discuss my transition. We discuss wants, and needs, and reassure each other of our commitments and expectations. We want a child, and frankly, time is working against us. Eiren is turning 40 this year and is rightly concerned about fertility and health issues, for herself and a baby, and I want to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT) as soon as possible. We compromise easily, there is no hurt, just mutual understanding and love. Both of us want what the other wants and we’re a team in a timed race.
So we’ll give it another year. January, 2020 instead of 2019. A full year of trying to get pregnant, a full year without the worry of me leaving for work and the consistency that I’ll be home every night with a smile, although maybe an exhausted one from school. This is the date that I’ll begin HRT unless our work pays off before that time and she manages to get pregnant earlier.
After Eiren, the next thing that’s important to me is… me. I’m not the most important thing in my life. There are parts of it that will be important or take priority, but it’s only really ever if that aligns with what she needs. Keeping myself healthy is one such thing that matters more, for example, because it allows her peace of mind, it keeps me strong, and it let’s us stay happy together for longer.
I came to a lot of good conclusions in my last post and I didn’t want to waste them, though, so I’ve taken advantage of my insight: I’ve hired a voice coach, I’ve decided that I’ll dress how I’d like as soon as I can, and I’ve started to shave my body hair every day. These are little things that I know I can do in the now, or soon enough, that will have a strong immediate impact on my happiness and a lasting long-term impact, too. It’s smart of me, that is to say, these goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.
The negatives, or at least the challenges, can’t be ignored either, even if they are validating in their own fucked up ways. My kink is changing and I’m coming to grips with how that effects me, with what it means for being Eiren’s slave. I’ve always described our marriage as a “Female Led Relationship”, and, well, learning that you too are female sort of throws a wrench in that! Easy enough, It can be changed to a “Female Dominant Led Relationship”! Hah! Suck on that, verbiage!
There are lessons to be learned from the negatives too. I’m a woman now. My name is Evelyn and I am a transgender woman and, because of this, I’ve started to attempt to view myself as such. It isn’t such an easy thing, having so many years of fantasizing about being a woman, but never actually feeling that it was real, and then changing that and having to remind yourself that “Yes, it is real, you are a woman, Evelyn.” My kink is changing, but hot is still hot. Men submitting to women, women submitting to women, me submitting to women, and that’s where it is right there: I have to make the effort to relearn who I am. I’m a woman submitting to women and I want my porn to reflect that. Easy enough, right?
Wait… Where in the fuck did my porn go? I’ve come from having limitless representation to practically none and making this decision to transition in my life now has meant that I’ve abruptly lost privilege that never even occurred to me as something capable of being lost, and then I almost dismissed my loss.
You know what? I just figured it out.— Evelyn (@PrickYourFinger) April 16, 2018
It isn't the change, it's the representation. I think I've just experienced actually losing some of my privilege, albeit small...
I now have a much, much harder time finding porn that represents me and who I am and what I like. pic.twitter.com/P9ZClqDMer
This isn’t a small thing at all, it’s a huge thing and it disgusts me how nonchalantly I dismissed the issue, but I’m proud of myself for catching it. I’m proud of myself for recognizing that I need to be more mindful of women’s issues, even if I thought I was before realizing that I was transgender, because I may catch myself making larger mistakes in the future that could hurt others, too. The lesson to be learned here is that, even in something as basic to my life as pornography, I have less. Women routinely have less and I need to remember to be a part of the solution, I need remember that I’m allowed to have my own space in feminism and remind myself that it’s okay to make these mistakes as long as I recognize them or recognize being called out for it and learn from my mistakes.
My transition is my own and things are going to continue to change, especially my sexual health. Be aware, Evelyn. Be aware, be brave, and be ready to face the challenges of change and continue to change with them, for other women and for yourself.