I spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about my life and the direction I’m taking with it, that is to say, I’m always examining myself. I doubt this is something unique about me, but I’ve really never met someone else who is always analyzing themselves the way that I do.
Most recently it’s been about all of this time I simultaneously have and don’t have in regards to transitioning, going back to school, and starting my life again after I’m finished with my work obligation at the end of the year, specifically the logistics of everything weighted against my level of overall happiness. I’m not foolish enough to believe that I’m leaving the stressful environment that I live in now for something much easier, no, I’m simply replacing it with perhaps something much more soulfully difficult, for the happiness of my future self.
The reality is that I’ll never pass the way that I’d like to pass. Naysay or pick apart my position how you will, this is how I feel: I’m simply too large. My head hits the doorway when I leave a room, and my shoulders are almost half a length wider then that of the average woman. This isn’t a deterrent to me, but it doesn’t do me any favours either.
I’m left to determine the level of grief I’m willing to bear from here. Do I present openly at the beginning of my transition, the start of school next year, knowing fully to myself that I’ll look every part a man in a dress, or do I cloister myself until I feel that I can at least pretend to fit in. I can choose to be happy for myself and sad for how the world views me from both sides.
Perhaps the best option is to be patient. There are things that I can work on while my body changes that can help me more than just clothing: my voice, my mannerisms, my habits. Realistically, if I sound like a girl, and look like a boy, I’m pretty okay with that scenario. I can have a French manicure and wear flattering boy clothes, and that isn’t so bad either.
Going back to school will be a good place for this to happen, too. Much better than the awkwardness of work, higher education is a place where many people are changing themselves already. I might stick out, but there are bound to be others who stick out too, and, well, I already know who I am. I get the advantage of going back to school as an adult with all the learned experiences a student sans work has not yet had the displeasure to deal with. It might not change how other people are towards me, but it certainly helps the way I think about events, deadlines, and drama.
I have to remember that I can’t do everything I want to do at once. I will eventually be more comfortable in my body and in the clothing I’d like to wear, and I will eventually make myself wear them in public regardless of my level of comfort. I can incorporate aspects of womanhood in my life slowly, but I can also take the reins and force myself into discomfort for the good of myself later on, too.
This isn’t going to be easy for me, but I can make it easier by planning and preparing myself. I can rely on Eiren and my support network, too, but I have to be prepared to rely on myself as well. Women are strong, and I will be a strong woman.