The first time Eiren called me Daddy, I wasn’t a big fan… but like most little things in our relationship, it became this increasingly accurate identity within itself.
Eiren has always had this ability, or maybe it’s just that I’m just so malleable to her, where she could sense the things I was missing in my life without me realizing that it was something important to me. Another good example of this was touch. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, I really just didn’t like any of it, because I wasn’t used to it at all. I can remember being loved as a child, but I can’t remember ever having love unless I asked for it.
I can remember sitting on the couch with my mother putting her arms around me and my sister on either side of her, but I can’t remember any time that this happened without a prompt from one of us.
And so, Eiren could sense this, and while I was in my own process of helping turn her life into one that she could continue to live in, she was turning mine into one that I could be happy in. Eiren knew from talking to me, from being such a good friend to me, that I was in desperate need of love. Even when I hated being snuggled, she’d order me (like a puppy who doesn’t want to be held) to stay where I was while she loved on me in one way or another. Horrible, right?
Being Daddy was much the same way. In the beginning of our relationship I was her caregiver and I will never stop being that in some form or another. Eiren is a tall woman at 5’10”, but at 6’7″ I am still much larger than her, and for someone who’d always been bigger than everyone because of either her weight or height, I am a comfort to her, she being able to fit in my arms easily.
I am her protector, her strong companion and slave, but I am still Daddy. I take care of her when she is sick, and make my Mistress do the things she doesn’t always want to do because of stubbornness, because that’s what Daddy will always do.
Most importantly, though, I’ll always be honest to her. I’ll always ask for help when I’m sick, or hurting, or when I need more of that love that I originally didn’t know how to handle, and so I share my life with her and every hardship, knowing that the things that I say might be difficult, or cause her to worry, or even hurt her, because I know how important it is for her and I to have that transparency and trust in one another.
It doesn’t mean that hard facts become softer, though, and when I tell Eiren things I’m often worried or scared, but I am honestly just so, so lucky to be married to the most wonderful woman on earth. I am lucky to be owned by her, I am lucky to be her best friend, and I am lucky that I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with her, for her.
I’ve been going to real therapy for a few months now with an understanding of gender psychology, and I’ve finally understood what the feelings I’ve had about myself and the things that have made me the most comfortable in my life were pointing me to the conclusion that I’m transgender, and that the difficult path ahead of me is unavoidable if I am to continue being happy with my life, despite all of the hardships and changes that will happen from here on out. Eiren understands, and supports me, and continues to love me just the same as if this had never happened. She really, really is too good for me.
I’ll always be Daddy, though, because that’s what she and I have always needed in our life together, and she knew this from the very beginning.