Something strange has been happening to me recently. In any given week, I spend a good amount of my total energy planning. Not my active energy, no… I don't sit down by myself and write in a notebook how our lives are going to be, but everything else. That "problem solving" energy that we all have. I'm sure you know the stuff I'm talking about: Those moments alone in the car driving, the thoughts you have while you workout. The quiet, persistent nonsense that our brains mostly block out except when we're trying to go to sleep or zone out and relax.
This is preferable to me, in a way, that I do this. I don't really have the problem that I can't turn off my brain before bed (although it does still happen sometimes) because I force myself to use that part of me to work on my other problems. It sits thinking about school work (when applicable), long term goals, and the abundant excess of bitching and crying that I keep contained behind a dam so I don't bore everyone to death with my constant stream of whining and complaining.
In any case, I plan a lot. Except recently.
And it isn't that I haven't been using that energy, no… I'm just surprised where it's been going. I've been thinking so much about how I want to live my life. There haven't been questions, there have been… suggestions? Old quotes. Old memories. Books I used to read, people I used to know, places where I've been, and I've started to understand that the thing I've been trying to tell myself is that I don't just want to do things, I want to do things in a particular way. I feel strongly that, really, I want to be more… elegant?
I don't know how or why I started having these thoughts. I don't know what makes me feel this way, but I guess a bit of it stems from how I live my life at work. Everything I do is done with a purpose. The way I talk to people, when I talk to people, why I talk to people. I am always so exacting in my professional life, in this particular professional life, but I can never seem to keep it for home, as hard as I might try, and it's like I'm two different people sometimes.
Maybe that's why I've been so focused on my future, since I know that I don't have much longer at this job. Will I be losing all of the discipline I keep for myself in my professional capacity?
That can't happen.
It's going to have to be something that I talk to Eiren about a lot… When the contract I have with this company ends, I'll be going back to school full time, and losing much of the structure and safety that I have in my life right now. I'll need her more than ever, and maybe it'll give her a chance to feel how important she is in my life by pulling on the reigns a bit more than she does right now.
It's hard for her to feel comfortable doing that with how busy I always am, she tells me, but I'm driven by caring for her present right now… Will being driven for our future give either of us a noticeable change in how we interact with each other?
Ugh, these things are hard… not having a full grasp on what you want or what you need, and not having that vent for my endless stream of nonsense just turns it into letters instead of burning it for brain fuel, since it has to come out some way (sorry, you probably just got a lot of that nonsense right now).
I want to be more elegant, I want to be more deliberate, and I want it to stay that way all the time now, and all the time in the future.