I’ve been particularly ranty the past couple of weeks on Twitter and elsewhere, I know that… and it’s not been just me, to be completely honest, it’s been Eiren too… We are just not couth people. It just ain’t us, God damn it.
And I am fucking sick and tired of opening a question (Twitter, Reddit, FetLife, Anywhere) and seeing the cookie-cutter answer.
It actually enrages me.
No, I don’t hate the answer if it sends you to a resource. I don’t hate the answer if it’s generally good advice, well intentioned, and thought out. The answer could be fucking wrong and I’d still respect it.
I hate the answer when it’s blindly good advice and stated as the Lord’s holy scripture in lieu of actually taking the time to examine what is being asked and the reasons behind their asking. I mean, holy fuck, look: I know that tens of thousands of people ask some sort of “How do I do the BDSM with my partner”? I know that, after a while, it gets annoying. Or boring. Or repetitive.
If anything at all, it definitely gets repetitive. To the point that communities will largely delete these posts and explain that there is a sticky exactly for this sort of question with a plethora of good advice and well thought out answers to the vast majority of commonly given needs.
But fuck, let’s assume for a second that this is the post that didn’t get deleted. The moderators didn’t take it down because, I don’t know, they missed it. It’s special. Her partner happens to be a talking parrot, and she really wants to make this one work. She’s been with 20 other parrots, but this is the one that talks and it’s really important to her that she can explain her needs, because every other time she’s told another parrot it just flew away and she never saw it again.
The cookie-cutter, one size fits all, answer doesn’t work here: For one, her partner’s a parrot. There is bound to be some sort of communication issue that’s going to arise between parrot/human that the sticky just isn’t going to cover. But the other thing is, she’s scared; every other one of her partners has left every time she brought up her desires. Her message is pleading and bleeding with the desire to make this work for her. If anything, just respect that.
Respect the passion and return it with an acknowledgment of such. If, from there, you decide that you truly feel that the general narrative is actually quite fitting for her situation, then you do you! I’m not saying that you shouldn’t stick with your beliefs, I’m saying that you can’t just clump every person in the same category and say “Here you go!”
And we’re not done here, bitches, I’ve got more today: Questions are one thing, but statements are just a ball game waiting for a fucking bat.
In the past week alone, I’ve seen three different people argue about the difference between “Slave” and “Sub”. God, I don’t want to be one of these people: I don’t want my legacy being dick-hurt over phrases, titles, labels, or whatever…
So can we just agree to say that definitions in BDSM are a widely a personal thing?
Look at me, I think I’m a slave. I describe myself as Eiren’s slave, I feel like I’m her property, and this description leaves both of us happy and fulfilled.
But what I think is slavery for me is just “basic submission” to another person, and they feel that, to them, “I’m not a slave.”
Well, la-dee-fucking-da, I don’t give a shit. I wouldn’t change my definition for you, and you probably wouldn’t change your definition for me. Even if I explained it. Even if I paid you. And that’s perfectly okay.
It’s just so much more likely that you’ll respect that people have different opinions about these things, and this by itself doesn’t imply that you have to change your own, it just expresses a desire that people think.
Think about what you’re saying before you pass anything off as fact and law when it comes to someones relationship, their kink, their life.
“A slave is not a submissive! A slave has no rights!”
— YOUR STATEMENT, MAYBE.
“A slave is a beautiful unicorn that loves his Mistress and fairies!”
— MY STATEMENT, PROBABLY.
Fuck, the point I want to get to in this post is this: If you assume that one size fits all for every single relationship, about every single part of it, you’re just living in the wrong. Relationships are a fluid, changing environment. What works for some people will never work for others and vice-versa.
It isn’t wrong to believe that there are good practices and generally good advice for a majority of people; In addition, it’s not wrong for you to think that one word or symbol or gesture or (insert other random relationship practice here) should mean this and another should mean that, but the reality is that none of this will ever be set in stone.