My parents divorced when I was younger. It wasn’t a pretty thing, either… I can remember them arguing, cursing, throwing things. I can remember the bullying from both of them towards each other and I can remember them saying things to us that, looking back, was meant for us to repeat and irritate the other.
Simply put, they acted like children.
My point is that life lessons have a funny way of manifesting. All of these things, as negative as they were, are one of the reasons that I handle things the way I do… Rather, to put an example to the words: never at any point of this could I even imagine a world where I wasn’t actively taking care of Eiren.
After telling Eiren that my love was changing for her, a few hours later she’d asked me if I wanted her to or if I wanted to, myself, leave the house.
It never occurred to me that, to Eiren, our relationship could be ending, nor did it occur to me that relationships ending aren’t exactly always happy things, even after I’d seen it happen from a young age and repeatedly after that with my fathers various relationships.
I mean to say that, simply, it never occurred that this would happen to me. To revisit the “Why“, Why would I want her to leave? Why would I want to be away from her?
For me, start to finish, I wanted these feelings to stop. I wanted to always take care of her. I wanted her to always be my best friend.
At the same time, the seven year itch is a real thing. I had, have, desires and thoughts about other people… but acting on them? Is that something that I could do? No. Not without permission, explicit, clear, and utterly unwavering.
And for her, being a part of my life was just going to end up with me hating her. She’d “expected this someday” and “this always happens to her.”
I’m just not that person.
She never thought I’d be the person to say any of this to her. Well, it turns out I am, and once it did she expected that I’d turn into the type of person who’d want to be away from her. Well, it turns out that I’m not.
I’m the type of person that seeks resolutions, seeks to be caring and careful, and always puts her before myself.
And I guess that’s why I chose to be honest in the first place. Well, maybe, maybe not. Who can say?
Was it honest to not come to her when I first had self-doubt? Probably not, I don’t know.
Was it honest to to tell her how I felt when she looked at me and asked me about it? Yeah, it was.
I know for certain, now, that I’m stronger than my own despair. I know what I’m willing to go through to make our relationship safe and happy. I know that honesty of the heart is so much harder than it sounds, and even harder to put to words.
And, for all of this, our relationship is stronger. For all of this hurt and sorrow (a reoccurring theme in my life, in most lives) I wouldn’t have done it differently. I would have made the same mistakes that I’d made, had the same thoughts and angers, and still felt as strongly about all of this that I do now.