I think “Why?” is something that we, as kinksters, ask ourselves & each other more than almost any other group, in fact my impression of the fetish & kink community as a whole is that we’re naturally curious people.
I don’t claim to speak for all of us, but in my experience, almost everyone that I’ve met from the community has asked me some sort of “Why?” at one point or another. They wanted to know more about the life Eiren & I live not so they could use it against me or judge me, but because they wanted to share in an experience with us.
The knowledge was important to them, for them, because the experience could help shape some of their own decisions. I’m thankful for this.
I’m thankful that I’d asked “Why?” so many times, to so many people, too. I’m grateful that I had the combined knowledge of other people to work off of, because if I had done what I did alone, I’m not sure that our relationship would survived.
And the support that I received from the people I chose to share our very private problem with was indescribably valuable to us.
Then again… curiosity can have incredible downsides, too. My imagination wasn’t helping the situation at all, and I ended up having a sobbing, shaking, screaming breakdown at work the morning following the big reveal that ended up with a concerned supervisor sending me home for the rest of the week on a Monday. Whoops.
At the heart of all of this, though, right smack in the middle of the good and bad questions that I was asking myself, that I was asking other people… was a simple, a small, and an alone “Why?”
There were no words that followed it.
Really, how could there be? To me, it alone expressed the full range of everything that mattered to me. I wasn’t battling with one single thing that made this happened, I was battling with a seemingly innumerable amount of issues.
"Why did I do this?" "Why did I ever get married?" "Why am I a bad submissive?" "Why did I hurt Eiren like this?" "Why would I say that knowing it could literally kill Eiren?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Why is this happening to us?"
I was asking myself something inherently existential, because all of my questions were the same thing and ultimately had the same answer. “Why?” alone was enough.
In hindsight, I have my answer now. I know why it happened and I know, for the future, what the feelings meant.
One of the most important lessons I learned from all of this was that this wasn’t my fault, It wasn’t Eiren’s fault, It was just life, and love, and marriage. These things happen and it’s how you deal with them that define your relationship.
I made a decision not long after my ultimate “Why?” started eating away at who I thought I was that knowing the reason right away wasn’t as important as fixing the problem. That I would be stronger than my self-doubt and do what I needed to do.