Relationship In Peril, Part 1: No One Worse

As some of you know, 2016 wasn’t easy year for Eiren & me.

Not that it was easy for anyone… No, of course not: it was an awful year in general, but let me be perfectly clear about this… 2016 was the hardest year of my life, and I want to tell you about the worst of it and how it helped make us closer.

It wasn’t an easy day for really anything and Eiren wasn’t relaxing about her unease with it. She could tell something was off, and she asked, and she asked, and she begged me to tell her what was wrong… and I was refusing all of it. This late August night, Eiren knew something was wrong with me, and she wasn’t going to stop until I told her what was the matter.

Every part of me hurt right now, every part of me wanted to run out of the room, to scream at her, to do something to make her go away, to make these questions stop. I didn’t want to, I couldn’t do it, but I knew that I had to do it, that this wasn’t something that I could keep from her and that I wouldn’t lie to her ever again.

And so I hugged her, and held her, and told her that it was going to be okay, and that I loved her and would always love her… And then…

I told Eiren that I felt I was falling out of romantic love with her.

Now, I’ll spare you the sudden horror that overcame Eiren. I’ll spare you the utter, abject pain that shot through Eiren’s mind the moment this sentence left my throat, to my lips, to her ears, and say this instead: There has been no one worse than me in this moment in my entire life. In my parents lives. In history.

Truly, I’d never felt so low in my life. Truly, nothing was so painful in my entire life as it was in that moment. Truly, the pain I’d just caused her in that second made me so sick to my stomach I threw up in my own throat and the sudden panic that I may have killed Eiren by this sudden development.

Please, reader, take what I say as I say it right now: What I saw when I looked at her was such utter devestation that I was honestly, factually afraid that I would be the reason for her heart attack.

Right then and there, I was scared for her life, and it was all my fault.

Posted by Evelyn

Submissive woman in my mid-20s. Writer, engineer, explorer. Transgender (she/her). Happily owned and married to my Mistress Eiren.

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