I love Eiren. Shocker, right? But, why do I love Eiren? Well, when we first started dating, I didn’t fall in love with her looks, or her voice… I fell in love with her writing. Well, no, I guess I fell in love with the way she wrote to me. Well… No, it wasn’t really even that. It was what she was writing to me.
Eiren was the first person in my life to introduce any sort of structure & discipline that I would, of my own volition, both respect and adhere to.
Family & school never really did it for me. I didn’t listen to my teachers, I hardly listened to my parents (and they didn’t seem to care either way), and nothing anybody could say or anyone could threaten to do would change what I, at any point in my young life, really wanted to do. Thankfully, I turned out decent in spite of it, what for a few people with large hearts who I viewed more as my parents than I do my real ones.
In any case, the little bit of what Eiren expected of me in the first few months of getting to know each other was more than I had in my entire life (Wow), and that isn’t saying much. She didn’t tell me to kneel on rice every morning and worship a picture of her video game character. She didn’t ask me to send her money, or masturbate to edge, or anything remotely sexual. She didn’t expect much at all, really.
She just wanted me to wait for her if she was busy, to call her Mistress, and to ask permission to leave the game that we were in together if I felt like doing other things.
It wasn’t too much for me, it was just a small, meaningful set of rules that happened to make her happy, and to be completely honest, I truly don’t think she understood just how happy it would make me, too. I don’t think she knew that she was giving me something that I never had and truly needed my entire life.
Playing video games with her, having a discussion with her, watching movies, spending time together… All of these things, while very important, would only be really important later. All of these things would make a foundation for our relationship to begin, but the expectations and control was the gravel in the pit before anything else would be laid to set.
I can truly say certainty that, had I not had that in my life, I doubt that we’d have really connected in the way that we did. As strongly as we did.
I disagree with the sentiment that submissives have naturally chaotic minds, but it brings up an interesting thought: Eiren has the most chaotic mind out of anyone I’ve ever met. She agrees, too, her mind is constantly a whirlwind of emotion, bad & good thoughts, without any order whatsoever.
One moment she can feel intense, overwhelming sadness and the next she’s just so happy that I’m part of her life and it can make her cry, and crying makes her sad, and suddenly she’s back to being sad because she read a story about a puppy dying two years ago and she remembers crying and now she has to cry more and… You get the point. Her mind is a tangled ball of wire.
To challenge this, I am very logical. Things are what they are and I like to believe that my brain is pretty well organized, if not a little cluttered up there sometimes. I’m not naturally an emotional person, but I feel I have a high capacity for compassion and empathy. For all intents and purposes, the way Eiren & I think are totally opposite. My mind is a crowded room full boxes. An often overwhelming amount of boxes.
I believe that the shared feeling of satisfaction from giving and receiving a level of order is directly connected to how we think and live our lives. It is a chance for us to connect on a deeper level, almost as if we were to begin thinking on the same wave length. We combine our two opposite ways of thinking and mesh them together, and… Calm. A peaceful, euphoric calm for the both of us.
I unravel the wire & Eiren organizes the boxes.
She gets to play with whatever is in them, open up the more private and hidden ones in the back. Dust a few of long-term storage ones, and ask questions about what is in this, or what is in that. Sometimes she’ll move something to another box, or just decide to help me cope with throwing it out. It’s an adventure for her, it’s exciting to see what I am thinking or how this otherwise private part of my life will affect me if she were to know about it, mess with it, or even just leave it alone.
I get to sit and do something meaningful for her. I get to take the ball of wire and pull each piece out one at a time, stretching it down one of the halls that Eiren just opened up in our now combined space. Instead of one piece of wire crossing over another, I lay it flat and straight and help her think clearly. It’s satisfaction for me, it’s important to know that what I’m doing is helping her and making her so very happy.
And in these things we become closer and our relationship strengthens. We build emotional trust and are better in the end for it.