I'm no one special, and I don't have this fantastic life where my Mistress & I share in an almost otherworldly exchange of power. I'm just some guy who blogs badly and writes worse, trying to give you some insight in a relationship that is, a lot of the time, rocky, scary, depressing, and sad.
Throughout all of this, my dearest hope is that most of all that you who come to read this that may be in a similar situation understand that this isn't an end all, be all guide to submitting under these circumstances, it is simply my experience. I'm not a doctor, I'm not educated, I'm just Eiren's and to speak on behalf of our relationship is the only qualification I possess.
This is part two of a series of, well, I don't really know. They'll be erratic, and confusing, long, and probably won't have a conclusion.
I enjoy reoccurring themes. The familiarity in my chosen subject is comforting because it helps me keep track and shows a history that I, at least on some very basic level, know what I'm talking about. Damnit, disabilities can be such a headache… shit, you can even have a disability that gives you headaches! Double Damnit, that just isn't fair, but I guess that's kind of the point, right?
Life isn't fair. The life Eiren & I share is especially not fair, but, guess what? It's the only one I have, so I'll live it and deal with it and do what I need to level the playing field for both of us. Perhaps a bit more fair for her if I can help it, so she'll have an advantage over me… but that's just wishful thinking.
I Dom a Dom
Well, not exactly… but in regards to the majority of her wishes, I tell her what to do.
Dominants of every size and shape, dominants green and blue alike… Let me tell you something: I'm a fucking terrible submissive. We've talked about this here, here, and here.
I don't know a single dominant who would deal with half the shit I pull with Eiren and think that it's okay, because the truth is it isn't. I'm often disobedient, willful, and a giant pain the ass. I'm more trouble than I'd be worth to any of you as I am now, and most of you would crush my little spirit like a gnat against glass.
But not for Eiren. I'm the submissive that Eiren needs precisely for all of these faults.
My most important function in our relationship isn't my ability for compassion, it isn't my trying to wake up a little earlier each day to bring her coffee, and it especially isn't my ability to make her happy.
It's my ability to say "No, Eiren."
"No, Eiren…" You may not have that cookie.
"No, Eiren…" You can not lie in bed all day.
"No, Eiren…" You have to go to the Gym today.
"No, Eiren…" You must take your medication.
And the irony is just astounding. I'm so damn accustomed to saying "No, Eiren" that I use it everywhere I shouldn't:
"No, Eiren…" I don't want to take out the trash.
"No, Eiren…" I'm tired from work today, I really don't want to leave the house.
"No, Eiren…" I know that I said we'd have sex, but I'm not feeling like it today…
And I know I shouldn't, and I try to not do it, but I catch myself after the fact so fucking often that it's heartbreaking. I beat myself up over it more than her disappointment could ever hurt me, and that's a fucking problem in and of itself, but then there's an even greater problem right in the middle of all of this: I hate saying "No, Eiren", but if I don't say it, nobody will.
I say no because Eiren won't. I say "No" because my ability to say "No" has saved her life.
The reoccurring theme here isn't that I'm a bad submissive, it isn't that I struggle and have struggled, it's that there are things that we don't want to do, the things that may be opposite of who we want to be or who we really are, are sometimes the most important, most needed things in a relationship.
Eiren is my dominant and I am her submissive, but what Eiren has asked me to do is take control. What Eiren truly, really needs right now is someone to shove their foot up her ass and tell her what to do.
And it fucking sucks, and I fucking hate it. It isn't fun for me, it isn't fun for her, it isn't fun for bloody anybody.
But I love Eiren enough to do this for her. I love Eiren enough to focus my energy into "No" even if I really want to focus it into "Yes."
I love her enough to try saying "Yes", even with all of the energy I put into "No."
And, when I can achieve that, when I can say both of them perfectly? There is literally no greater feeling in the world to me.
And I love her enough to thank her for this opportunity, this challenge that not many other people would be truly willing to do for someone else.
Because I do it all for her.