Shattering Fire

My life has been so hectic recently, from the little details to the huge shifts in responsibility, everything has been out of control. My relationship, my work, my goals... Dear reader, not one grain of sand that is my life has been left undisturbed. Truly, to put it into words is hard for me, because I feel that I can't possibly give the chaos the reverence it deserves for being able to make every piece of me split.

A lot of it has to do with getting older: Questioning myself, changing opinions, my goals in life and ultimately how I plan to get there. It doesn't help that I'm feeling my age when I'm supposed to be too young to care about it. I sleep less, I can't stay up as late as I could just last year, and certainly not the year before that.

I hit twenty-five and suddenly I feel old? No, it isn't supposed to work like that, but it is what's happeneing. I've been graying much more significantly than I care to admit, I've been gaining more weight than I'm happy about (when only two years ago I couldn't gain anything if I had tried to!), and the second guessing myself is going to cause me to have a fucking ulcer.

But, you know, a lot of it also comes from taking on too many responsibilities at once, and perhaps that is what makes me feel so much older than I am.

For example, I was asked to fill in for a special supervisory position while the current holder attended a professional education course, and let me tell you something right now: I don't get paid enough to do what I'm doing. I don't mean this in the whiney "Wah! Poor me!" sense, I mean this in a literal sense... I'm doing the job of someone 15 years more experienced then me. And I'm doing it much, much better. And you know what? I fucking love it.

Not doing the job, no, I hate having to fill in for this garbage. This position is important and serves a central role in our department, but it's... it's just horrible.

No... I love showing people that I'm fucking exemplary. I love watching the subtle frustration on my boss' face when I turn something I did in 5 hours that it took someone else 5 months to do.

I love the confusion that he has when I know he's considering replacing said supervisor with little old me.

And then I hate myself for all of those feelings. I hate making people look bad. I hate this fucking position.

But I can't stop myself from feeling both of these ways. I'm not trying to make my work look better than anyone elses, I'm just doing my job how I believe it should be done. I'm researching, I'm adding, and I'm setting a standard for the rest of the work I do to be just as good as the last piece if not better, just like everything else in my life.

And this is just one example of something I'm doing, and by itself it is a huge amount of responsibility... but it's also in addition to the responsibilities I already had, and a few of those were already so consuming that I felt like I have no time... And yet I keep adding more things on top of it. I've been volunteering for special positions that are on top of my already packed schedule, and again... I just can't stop myself.

And I think it has a lot to do with how my life has been going, how Eiren's life has been going. Those of you who are "in the know" understand the kinds of things that we both deal with on a weekly basis, and if you've read my blog more than once you probably understand that Eiren has had a history of bad health and generally poor conditions.

It complels me to rethink parts of my "master plan", and the second guessing and questioning of things that I previously thought were so concrete that they didn't even need to be thought about... is hard. It's so, so hard... and the truth is, I just don't know what path I'm going to take right now. I have options, so many options, but they're all dependent on so many things. Some of them might come to fruition if I can show how well I'm doing at work. Some of them can come from me saying: "Fuck this!" and decide if I want to continue in my profession or decide to move on... and some of them are truly just chance. It might work, it might not... but in such a big way for both of them that could hurt us if we fall.

I've tried so hard to fancy myself strong and unemotional, capable of being stoic and able to endure all of my hardships with dignity and honor. That I could bear the brunt of anything and move along with my life, but this past year has made it clear to me that this thinking is wrong.