When Eiren & I first met each other, I was a different person.
I don’t mean to say that in an I’ve changed sort of way, which I have in a lot of ways, but in this particular case… I was actually somebody else.
I met Eiren when I was 16 year old. She was 29 at the time, and…
Well, let’s just say that I shouldn’t have been doing the things that I was doing as a minor… I shouldn’t have been on SecondLife, I shouldn’t have been “looking for a Mistress” when I could have directly been the cause of actually, legitimately ruining somebodies life. I shouldn’t have been doing a whole lot of things. A whole lot of things.
But, you know… I’d do those things again if it meant I could meet her all over again.
In any case, I was 16 and she was 29.
So I lied.
I didn’t know how old she was at the time, but I knew that she was an adult. I wasn’t completely an idiot, not enough to jeopardize my own identity… just enough to jeopardize the livelihood of someone I was finding myself to care about. So still a pretty fucking huge idiot.
For all Eiren knew, I was an established, well paid, attractive, moderately intelligent 22 year old who spoke sweet things to her and – for the first time in her life – made her feel genuinely happy.
I called her Mistress, I called her Ma’am, I called her Miss, Madame, Goddess… and I called her Eiren. I’d skip school, something I was already doing of course, but with the express intent of spending the entire day on Skype and in SecondLife with her.
I’d go to work once or twice a week to support my SecondLife simulator, show up to class just enough to not be expelled or become truant (which isn’t a whole lot, mind you), and instead of aimlessly walking around by the train tracks or sleeping in some public library… I dedicated my every waking moment to being with her, to being her long-distance submissive.
And, you know what? She embraced it… she took care of me… So I’d lie again to keep the story going… I’d tell her that I needed to go to work, to keep up appearances, and I’d sit on Skype with my Microphone muted all day… just listening to her. Listening to her laugh, and joke, and have a good time… and by 3:00PM I’d unmute myself and say that I’d been let off early… and to hear how excited she was for me to be home absolutely melted my heart… and she’d siphon it off the ground, put it in a vial, and hold it for the rest of the night… My heart would be hers for every single moment of attention that she gave me.
But I was keeping secrets and they weren’t going to last forever… and I knew that one day she’d know that I had been lying to her, and I knew that the day that she knew that I had been lying to her she would be broken… she would never trust anyone again…
So I kept my dirty little secrets and I was so, so scared. Every moment that I might sit in quiet, every time she’d leave the computer or me by myself while she worked with a client…
All I could think about was her finding out my secrets.
How old I really was… what I was really doing during the day while she had fun and bragged about me to her friends…
What I was doing.
Why I was doing it.
And so I lied for two years… until the day of my 18th Birthday.
And I called her on the phone…
I was too scared to be on SecondLife. I was too afraid to be in front of the virtual avatar that she had created and I had so lovingly attached myself to…
I was too afraid to watch her pick up her things, block me, and leave.
And so I called her, crying my eyes out, sobbing heavy hard tears…
And I told her the truth about everything.
She listened quietly. Occasionally, she’d ask a question or for clarification… and what I remember most about it was that she spoke to me like she always had…
She spoke to me as her confidant. She told me to speak up as my Mistress. She made me repeat something if I hadn’t said it in the way that we’d always done it.
But, you know… she told me that she had to think about it for a while before she could speak to me again… and she hung up.
And I cried harder than I’ve ever cried before and it was without a doubt the single hardest thing that I ever did in that point of my life. I stayed up until she called me back and I cried the entire time. I cried until there were no more tears and all I felt were empty sobs… For hours… Many hours.
And then she called me and spoke to me, of which I will not write because it is mine, but she accepted me… and forgave me… and she told me that she loved me, and that I’d have to re-earn every ounce of trust that was now gone… and that I would be punished.
And I was, and I will not speak of that either.
So she was left with me… the real me. She was left with the 18 year old Berkson who had spent the last two years skipping school to be with her in a video game, who had scarcely gone to work… and who desperately, hopelessly loved her.
All my dirty little secrets were gone, and even though they could have broken and destroyed me and her both… ultimately it was that first act of real, genuine trust that paved the way for our life together.
My friend, one of the most important lessons I ever learned was that if I wanted my relationship to last, I wouldn’t be able to keep secrets…
That I couldn’t and wouldn’t always be able to keep who I was separate from the life that I was actively living, even if much of what I said to her as someone else was more me than I had ever actively been before.
And that I cared about her, far too much, to ever exclude her from the real me. Even when it was scary and it hurt, more than anything had before.
I know that you’ll find a way to balance, regardless of the decision you decide to make.