More often than not, my posts seemingly don’t have anything to do with the dynamic Eiren & I share… and it’s not that I don’t have anything to say about traditional Dominance & Submission of the sort that details how this interaction or that interaction helps me delve deeper into my own submission and let go, it’s just that it’s not in my worldview to believe that I’m “complete” or that I’ve “become a better submissive” because of singular encounters in my life.
Let me explain.
Eiren & Berkson have had a really good head day, Eiren didn’t have difficulty asserting her natural dominance and Berkson fell in step behind her. Titles came naturally and without thought and where it’d be out of place or inclusive to someone not welcome in our space, forms of address were used or teased in more subtle ways. Berkson might open every door that day, find an excuse to kneel before her in public, like “tying her shoes” or “fixing her pant leg”, but she knows the real reason without it being asked or suggested. Everything goes well on this day, it “just feels right.”
The next day might be completely the opposite.
Work and lack of sleep make Berkson grouchy today, Eiren is struggling with depression and can’t find the motivation to work out. Titles aren’t really used, even in the privacy of our home things are stressed because the circumstances just aren’t letting us feel who we want to be. Everything isn’t going well at all, it just “doesn’t feel right.”
In the examples above, it’s obvious that things are different, but it’s not so obvious that the people are not different.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
A lot of the time people struggle to see that it’s circumstances that are changing, not people. Just because someone had a good day doesn’t mean they’re a different person, it must means that they had a good day.
I don’t like to look at the really good days or the really bad days to mark my progress as Eiren’s submissive, and I really don’t like looking at things that I may do right for her as indicators that I’m progressing well, because the truth is that isn’t my call to begin with: It’s hers.
She is the authority on my submission and she is the Judge & Jury for my progression, because I choose to submit to her and submit myself to her will. I can’t read her mind (I sure wish I could) and it isn’t always clear to me what she might be thinking or how I might be doing in her eyes.
I like to take a different approach. It’s about looking at everything that I am and judging, for myself, who I want to be and how I’m going to get there. It’s about asking Eiren who she wants me to be and setting a goal in my mind, making a plan of action, and doing those things. It’s about comparing the two and understanding that circumstances might make it harder to do, but never impossible. It’s about the bigger picture.
When I talk about the things in my life that aren’t outwardly about my views of dominance & submission, rest assuredly that they absolutely are:
If I’m talking about the gym, it’s because Eiren told me that I’m going to be strong & have a sexier body for her.
If I’m talking about going to school, it’s because Eiren never wants to work again and I need to make enough money to satisfy her desire.
If I’m talking about my fears, it’s because Eiren has asked to me to find a way to conquer it.
Every single part of me is on this journey and every single part of me wants to make what she wants happen. I try to look at the whole person and I think that every single part of my life is directly connected to Eiren. Every single part of it.
So that when I focus on the bigger picture I can understand that the bad day I’m having isn’t because I’m a bad submissive, and I can can look forward to making more of the good days happen. So when I go to bed at night, I know that even if I’m not making progress on one particular task or another, I’m making progress as a person.
As Eiren’s person.