Atychiphobia

It's funny to me that, at twenty-four, for the first time in my life I can say that I have friends or people that I can turn to for advice, to whine or complain at, or even... come back to.

And to be honest, I guess that I've never felt that anyone other than Eiren would be there for me consistently.

Not my co-workers. Not my family. Not my parents.

atychiphobia

  (n.) fear of failure; fear of not being good enough

In my first blog post and to the people I spoken to regularly on twitter, I've made it pretty clear that friends aren't really my thing. Not for a lack of trying or desire, but because I feel that after getting to know people, any further communication from me - physical, verbal, non-verbal, even eye-contact - is me imposing myself upon them.

I become timid.

I become awkward.

I become frightened.

I'm so afraid of failing, of not being good enough for the people I love and care for. Every day at work is a struggle and every breath I take is a challenge, because one small step backwards or slip in the gravel means I've failed everyone and everything that I've worked for. I've let people down, because I couldn't do the things that they expected from me. They deserve better...

...At least...

...that's how I've always felt about it....

Until I made friends. Until I could vent to people and make mistakes and apologize (profusely) and have them say to me: "You worry too much!" and brush my fear away like a strand of loose hair on their shoulder.

Having friends is fucking weird, and feeling like I'm not good enough for them is a daily thing. I don't want to fail them, I'm terrified that I might do or say something that would offend them or make me vulnerable; but now I know that it's (mostly) irrational.

Because of them, because of their friendship and... really... just talking to me, from asking about my day, to talking about their own, to just... talking...

It's helped me not be overcome with fear...

I'm still scared,

but my friends think I'm just being silly,

so maybe I am... just being silly.