The past few weeks have been so busy. I moved out of one apartment nearby work to another a few kilometres away. The noise is better, I don’t have to hear planes taking off all night, but I do miss out on the nightly screaming and hate-fucking that my neighbours have serenaded me to sleep with every night. Bigger home, more traffic. More money to compensate for distance, time, and food, but the hit on convenience cannot be understated. Alas, some wins, some losses.
I’m a fan of moving. I’ve talked about this before , about how the act itself is a nightmare but the time I get to spend with either Eiren or my thoughts is wonderful… and, as I’ve talked about even more, I spend a lot of time with my thoughts already. So what does one think about when they’re already thinking about everything?
Apparently, the same thing that everyone else just happened to be thinking about. I’ve had five separate friends speak to me about casual to petty jealousies. Some generality, some specifics within our own Community, but all of it just seemed so… familiar?
Eiren is a jealous person. What’s hers is hers and that’s all there is to it. I’m not for sharing, it isn’t up for discussion, nor would I tolerate the discussion if I felt that there were ulterior motivations, such as feelings of doubt spurred by a particularly bad depression day that may cause her to have a lapse in judgement that she doesn’t really support (sidenote: consent means being considerate of disabilities and how they affect judgement at certain times).
Still, she’s not a child. We both understand how far that extends and what the true boundaries are, especially when almost all of it isn’t true jealousy, just some of the cute pettinesses that drive healthy relationships with humour. I smile when I read things, when I’m writing things, when I’m enjoying myself, and perhaps one of my favourite things about Eiren is her ability to ask in complete, bristling seriousness:
Who the fuck are you smiling at?
Only to have it disappear instants later when I’m honest. I’m, of course, speaking to a friend, reading their writing, posting something funny for other people, enjoying myself in a video game with many others, or even helping someone. It’s such a genuine thing, watching it disappear with an “Oh…”, prompting me to prod and tease her back:
You don’t like other people making me happy, do you?
“I hate it.” she half-truth’s to me. No, she doesn’t hate it. My happiness is the only thing that matters to her, and seeing me smile for anything other than the joy she gives me only provokes a greedy need to keep every aspect of it to herself for an instant until she remembers that it wouldn’t be right to cloister me from the world and that hoarding the sight of my smile to only her givings isn’t exactly reasonable, or at least feasible. 😛 Needless to say, compersion in regards to me doesn’t always inspire rational emotions.
This sweetness doesn’t preclude the green-eyed femdom’s existence, however. Eiren is a jealous person, and we’ve had to talk about this before so we both understood where it was coming from, what it meant, and how it affects our relationship. None of these were ever hard, but they’re understandably uncomfortable, scary conversations, and this is healthy fear. It means that we’re both giving it our honest, vulnerable, open thoughts.
Perhaps the most important example is how insecurity leads to very real feelings of inadequacy and intense jealousy. I’ve surrounded myself with some brilliant, amazing, and beautiful women, where I talk and blog about my relationship, about our bodies, and perhaps most sensitively, sex. This is terrifying for her, replete with perfectly valid reasons on why this is hard and why she is scared.
I just feel like you think I’m not smart enough to talk about this with you…
On why we don’t really ever talk about femdom in the way I talk to other people about it.
I’m always so afraid that you’ll find someone amazing and beautiful that isn’t broken like me.
In which she fears me being poached by someone charming, smart, and more wonderful than her.
Do you wish my dominance was more like your smart femdom friends…?
The most reoccurring threat, one where I might wish she were someone else. It implies a potential resentment with who she is, and plants a seed that asks of her when she sleeps, when she showers, when she feels her body ache or when her mind is playing tricks on her: “Am I good enough for Evelyn?”
And, in complete honesty, it took a long time to understand what that question meant to me. Did I want Eiren to be more like my friends? No. Immediately, the answer is no, I do not… but there was more there. I could feel it, hiding beneath the surface, wanting to break free from a set foundation. Did I want any change? Yes, me… I wanted to change me.
My submission is modeled much off of others dominance. Off of their caring, and respect, and standards for themselves before standards for others, and I think that this is why the green-eyed femdom, for all of her fear… never really ran. I submit, often, with servant leadership, by supporting from the front, and by being able to understand and emphasize with her fears.
No, Eiren is my ideal femdom. She’s sweet, and vulnerable, and caring. She puts me before her, where I put her before me, and we tackle the challenges and peace together, regardless of how hard and easy they might be. We’re, despite it’s implications, a team, and we look to each other before we look to the world outside, and, most importantly to me, we’re learning.
Always learning. From others, from friends, from hurts and victories, deliberately or by accident, we’re always learning how to be better for each other.